where to go from here

I don't think that anyone can really describe what it is like to be a parent. I always have wanted to be a mom since I can remember. Now that I am it's nothing short of amazing. Wyatt is now 3 weeks old and I seem to be more emotional now that when I came home with him. Probably because some of the shock factor has worn off and I'm adjusting to my new life. I never thought that I would have to experience what it's like to do this alone. As much as I would like "Frank"* a part of our life, I know that right now I'm not supposed to. I thought that I was a pretty strong person and that dealing with Frank would be a piece of cake. And that's probably been the most emotional part of it all. I do love him but everything is different now. He finally came to see us the other day and hung out for awhile. I held it together for the most part, but the whole time I just wanted to cry. I'm not trying to dig for sympathy, I made a choice and I now have the most beautiful baby boy and quite frankly I wouldn't trade it for the world. But I guess I just need to get it out.

I have the most supportive family and friends. I know most people don't believe anything about my story, and that's okay. I can see if I was 16, but I'm almost 24. I have nothing to hide and would have loved to let everyone know I was pregnant, especially since me and my best friend were both pregnant at the same time. And trust me, just thinking I was a fat whale and having other medical problems wasn't easy.

Anyway... I think that this weekend I am going to start getting my home ready for me and Wyatt to go home. I know that's going to make my family sad to not be here with them. But I think it needs to happen. And I think Peter misses me at home!

"HOLY FREAKING COW ASHLEY!!"

So... okay. So my story is out for the most part. I've been a little pre-occupied with this cute little guy that I haven't had a chance to get on and "blog" about what's going on. Which I know is what most of you have been waiting for. However, Wyatt is not much of a scandal as most would think. And some would think "how in the heck would she not know she's pregnant" which I used to think that about people all the time! And pretty much made fun of them for it. But now I know. But you would think after 3 negative pregnancy tests you wouldn't have anything to worry about. What I did worry about was what was going on with my body. I gained weight, the period stopped, blah blah blah all of which was not unusual for me. I thought that I've had everything under the sun from my kidneys to cysts and such. Every symptom I had was explained away by what I thought I was suffering from. So there's that little tid bit of information. You can all go ahead and make whatever judgements you want.

As for July 12, 2007...

I was pretty restless during the night, got up to use the restroom a lot and so forth. Around 5 am (little did I know) was the start of this long and totally crazy day! I got up used the rest room and jumped for joy thinking that after a long awaited time I was finally starting my period. The cramps were mild but getting stronger. Around 6 the pain was getting pretty bad. I even woke Peter up to give me a blessing because I thought I was dying! Which as the good brother he is, he got up and helped me out. But things continued to get worse, and finally I knew I had to go to the ER. The pain was unbearable and I was freaking Peter out pretty good. My mom, peter and I arrived at the hospital I think around 10... It was all a blur at this point. I checked in and then waited to be taken to a room all while the "cramps" at this point have pretty much taken everything out of me and I wanted to just pass out. And almost did :) And at this point they found me a room. Took my blood, asked some questions and then hooked me up to some morphine! After awhile the doctor came back with the big news that I was pregnant and at that moment I didn't really know what to think. Mainly freaked out that I hadn't gone to see a doctor. They started talking about what they thought was wrong, which I think they mainly thought was a tubal pregnancy and then a bunch of other things I couldn't understand because I was so doped up on morphine. So after a few times of trying to locate the baby they finally found him...all 36 weeks of him. But don't worry that they didn't tell me what I was having. After they found him things calmed down a little and they rushed me up to labor and delivery. And I distinctly remember my nurse saying "Ashley you don't need to worry, you probably won't be having a baby today they just need to check you out to make sure things are okay"... Boy was she wrong! We get up there and the nurse checks me out and lo and behold I have dilated to a 9 1/2 all by myself! All that pain... contractions. Not just the worst cramps of my life! Then the room was filled with nurses asking me questions, hooking me up to iv's to get rid of the morphine running through my system, and giving me my epidural (which is totally not bad at all), and I met my doctor. She was so great and so nice! Then we waited and my family started to arrive. I felt so stupid and ashamed that I really didn't want to see my family at all. I had no idea how my sisters and everyone else would react. But hello...this is my family we are talking about. I don't think I've ever felt more support in my whole life! They were all so excited about the baby coming that it was just a great experience. My water finally broke on it's own and I started pushing around 4:30 and my beautiful boy Wyatt Sargent arrived at 4:57. He weighed 7 lbs 12 oz and was 21 inches. It was really quite amazing and I don't think I could ever explain how it feels. And now I'm a mom... just saying it is so crazy.

So there is the story! :)

watching the office @ the office

So, this week has been pretty pointless at work. Beyond pointless actually. I think just about everything I have done I could have done from home. Minus like two things, so two out of the 5 things I've done required me to come into the office. My boss has jury duty this week and business has just been slower in general. Which doesn't leave me much to do besides read the news, blog, read church talks, and watch endless episodes of the office while at the comfort of my own desk. I feel pretty useless. However, I don't mind strolling into the office around 10-10:30 and leaving around 3. Yesterday was a different story! I got to work at 12 (i helped out the fam a little in the morning), my work friend called me up to see what I was doing for lunch, went to lunch at 12:15, got back around 1:15, sat here....sat here some more, and then decided to go tanning at about 3:30. All in all a pretty successful work day right? Most of you might be jealous of my schedule, but quite frankly I'm totally sick of it. I love having something to do, not just sitting here staring at this screen and trying to figure out what I should do. But anyway.. enough of that. I'm going to finish my banana and pick my nose i guess? I hope everyone is having a busier day than I am!

"If we can find forgiveness in our hearts for those who have caused us hurt and injury, we will rise to a higher level of self-esteem and well-being"

“Forgiveness is freeing up and putting to better use the energy once consumed by holding grudges, harboring resentments, and nursing unhealed wounds. It is rediscovering the strengths we always had and relocating our limitless capacity to understand and accept other people and ourselves.”

-Dr. Sidney
Simon

I've been putting forth a lot of thought into forgiveness lately. I've been taught at such a young age to "forgive and forget" not really know what the benefits of this phrase really meant until recently. Why it has taken 23 years to grasp the concept is really beyond me. Today I decided to get on the internet and look up some talks given by general authorities and see what they had to say on the topic. In my own opinion I don't feel like you can truely heal yourself until you forgive someone in your heart and discover a love for them that you can't have when holding such feelings of anger and resentment so close to your heart and out in plain sight. The article I've mainly been reading is by President James E Faust called The Healing Power of Forgiveness. I tried to put a link up, but for some reason couldn't get it to work. Sorry! (http://www.lds.org/) It's a great article and hits just about every point on the head. I feel like all too often we hold onto this hate it is direct it towards others who have noth. We get so caught up, that just being mad at anyone helps you feel better. I've done this for most of my life. And I think family gets the brunt of your anger. And sometimes it tears your relationships apart and leaves bitterness and even more anger.

"Somehow forgiveness, with love and tolerance, accomplishes
miracles that can happen in no other way."

-President Gordon B Hinkley

I'm definately not perfect. I don't claim to be, but I'm going to be all about forgiving and forgetting. I have found that just in the past two weeks that I have been majorly focusing on it I have noticed a difference in the way I look at everyone. There have been situations that have come up that I have had to really just let go and be more understanding and realize that everyone deals with things differently. It hasn't been easy, but I know it will definately be worth it!

blonde moment

i think i just answered this guys question, but i'm not really sure now that he was even talking to me. i hate when that happens.

i got a life this weekend!

So this weekend was a pretty eventful one for miss ashley! I usually choose to stay home or chill at my families house. But on some whim I went out and did stuff! Friday my friend Tiff had a pool party at her house. It was pretty fun, althought I didn't get in the pool, I still had a blast. This girl would not leave my friend Terry alone and I thought it was hilarious! After a million attempts to swin away from her I think he just gave up. He was so mad at me, but what was I supposed to do? Jump in the pool in all my clothes to save his stupid butt? I think not. I had a lot more fun laughing at him with this girl Chaney. Another high point in the night was watching Tiff's mom swim around the pool with a martini in her hand. Classic!

Saturday I helped my friends Paul and Amber move. It was across the courtyard litterally! But it was so hot outside, and their old apartment was on the third floor. So, it was quite the workout! And I got a little sun as well. That night my friend Michelle had a suprise birthday party for her husband Pugs* I took tiff with me because I knew I wouldn't know ANYONE at the party besides like two people. It was fun and interesting. Not that I'm an east side snob (k maybe I am but that's besides the point) but there was this girl there who got in a fight with a pregnant girl over a boy. And the pregnant girl attacked her with a knife and cut her pretty good at the back of her neck and down her shoulder. So she was all stitched up and I heard that story a million times. Which made me think the next time a good looking black man named Jayquan picks me up while driving down state street I should just turn around, because behind every good looking black man there is a psycho white pregnant chick. *throws Jayquans number away* Hearing stories like that always makes me feel good about myself. I know that's totally rude or whatever. But it's true. But anyway...that was my weekend. I thought since I had something else to blog about besides Peter's dog that I would go ahead and take the opportunity!

*I worked with Michelle at Motherhood Maternity for a little over two years, the first day I worked there was a picture of her and her husband Pugs in the back room when it dawned on me that I had met him when I was 17 at a party. I had never kissed anyone before and my friend Nick (who is now dead) called him over to come kiss me. Mind you...Pugs is like 5'5 lol he came running through the door really drunk and I think I was pretty terrified at that moment. But you should all know that I didn't end up kissing Pugs... I kissed Nick instead haha

decisions decisions...

So...after a few days of being a dog owner. Peter isn't so sure he's able to be the dog owner he should be. Of course buying a dog and having him go everywhere with you, especially to work is almost every guys dream. But....buddy has been a little under the weather, and making him sit in this hot weather almost seems like torture.

Last night on Peter's way back from him girlfriends house, he broke the news to me that he's not sure he can keep buddy. I think right at the moment I wanted to cry. I have spent just about every waking moment this weekend taking care of that dog, trying to get him to eat, getting him used to being outside, giving him his antibiotics... you name it, I was doing that. I'm totally and completely attached, and have had to remind myself NUMEROUS times that as much as I love this dog, he's Peter's responsibility. And I made that perfectly clear to him in not the nicest way on Saturday when he was discussing plans to go out with his girlfriend. Part of me was so mad about it. I mean...yes I have been pretty antisocial lately, and going out hasn't really been my thing. But that doesn't automatically make me the dog sitter. Having a dog is harder then most people would think and Peter is now finding this out... With work and his social life (aka girlfriend, who is young and doesn't understand the responsibility of a dog AT ALL) his time is stretched pretty thin.

Anyway... I told Peter he needs to make a decision today about it. I can't have this dog for a month and then Peter decides he can't do it. He already knows a lady that wants to take him if Peter feels it would be best. So...I'm holding out for his decision. I know some of you will think I'm totally dorky. But it makes me sad. I've wanted a dog for so long and Peter gets the guts to buy one and then he could be gone tomorrow or even today! AH! Whatever happens will be for the best.